WEEKLY THOUGHTS #6
What do I feel? What do I feel? What do I feel? Is sometimes a question that I repeat inside my head for a moment to get back and to realise what I am doing. I did it, a few moments ago, when I wanted to write the new start of the #6 Weekly Thoughts. First, I felt the worry about if I am able to continue with this writing, as it is part of my discipline but then the question came again and drew me back to where I am now. Sitting on my chair, resting after an amazing breakfast with my partner and listening to how my neighbour wants to make us crazy by drilling 5-8 hours per day from early morning.
What do I feel? What do I feel? What do I feel?
tension
fatigue
satisfaction
pounding in my forehead
but also gratitude
Lots of times we and especially I, tend to give the full for our emotions. When we are feeling tired we go to sleep, when we feel exhausted we want everybody to know. When we feel in love, we have butterflies in our stomachs. I really do feel tension after this night, as I had poor dreams. Most of the time I am uncomfortable with these feelings.
This is my cat.
Which loves to nap.
He also dives into food.
Even I am not in a good mood.
The end.
….sorry for this pause, I had to make another cup of coffee because my brain has a hole inside now from the noise around. Let’s get back. Where I was? Yes, uncomfortable feelings. When we are in situations like this there are a few techniques that will require our attention and some time to practice them.
One of them is meditation, which can calm us wherever we are and can bring soothing effects on our body and mind. Another technique is the breathing technique 2 short-IN & 1 long-OUT, which will eventually after 5-10 repeats calms your body and slows down your heart rate (you can listen to this technique at Andrew Huberman’s podcast Huberman Lab: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ntfcfJ28eiU). This technique is very powerful because it is the only way how you can actually take full control over your heart rate and calm yourself. I highly recommend trying this out. I passed exams with this, I use it in stressful situations or situations I am very angry. But, there is another way, how to check on our feeling and emotions which might lead to revealing themselves outward. This technique is very ancient, and simple and holds the pillars of the human language.
But, let me give you an example of this so you can better understand. How would you feel after a whole day of working and coming home exhausted and two little kids would jump on you and give you the signals to play with them? Even more tired? Even more exhausted? I hope it is not as bad and you are happy to see your kids and wife or husband. But if not, then there is just one way how to calm our nerves, our amygdala (centre for emotions).
And that is empathy.
Empathy is something that we, fortunately, have from birth and it is the reason why when somebody yawns, you yawn at them back.
This simple act of understanding the other feelings of tiredness is just enough good to start building our new technique. As you see, you are half in with a good prerequisite for learning this technique very quickly! So, let me elaborate on it. Let’s get back to our example with a father coming back from the work and two children waiting for him at home full-pack of dopamine. There are three choices that the father has. One way is to let the kids jump on him, while he is sitting on the couch, tell him everything they did during the day, show him all the toys they played with, etc. After some time, the father, I believe, would be either more exhausted or not (I believe that there are many fathers like this, and I am so grateful for them because they mastered this technique without knowing about it). The second choice is to say them to go away because he is very tired and exhausted and the result of this is that the children might get even crazier or start to have negative emotions about the father. And the third option, which includes this technique, is to talk to the children and let them know about everything they are able to understand with empathy. It might seem crazy because you may ask yourself: “But, children do not understand my job! They will never get it.” I think that parents are sometimes too much in the role of a parent than in the role of a human being. When talking and especially listening with empathy, we do not need to elaborate on every single thing that was hard for us in the job we did during the day, kids do not need to understand it. But what they need to understand is the fact that you are there for them and that you are their best friend for some time. Which requires this technique more than ever will. So, what you can do and how does it look? How does empathy look?
There are a few things to keep in mind when practising empathy:
PLEASE, be silent! When somebody else is talking, no matter if it is your child, your wife, your colleague, your friend, or a person who you do not know, just shut up for a moment. Let her/him speak first. (One tip: try to push your tongue on the ceiling of your mouth, it will prevent you from speaking and also it pauses your own inner thoughts when somebody else is speaking and will help you to focus because by itself it is a focus-demanding task)
Listen. Listen carefully. Listen like there is nothing more important in your life than just listening to the words of the other party.
Do not judge others. Their needs might be different but this is not giving ou the privilege to put your needs first.
Practice breathing. 2 short-IN & 1 long-OUT.
Ask questions about what the other person said. Most of the time, they will tell you exactly what they want, and need and what their request is for you-what they want you to do to satisfy their needs
Try to view the problem, request, and words of others as if they are coming from your perspective. How would you react to that situation they are in? How would you choose words to be said if this thing would happen to you?
NEVER, EVER OFFER, SAY, PROPOSE, GIVE ANY ADVICE that the other person IS NOT REQUESTING FROM YOU!!!! ( this is a very important part of understanding empathy)
Respect the opinion of the other person, even though you think it’s crap and you do not agree with it.
In our example, this technique might help you to understand that the kids are truly happy when spending time with you. Imagine yourself in their shoes. You see your best friend which you want to talk to and he is coming and telling you “I do not have time for you, I am tired.” I believe you would feel a bit disappointed. But that is it. Do not judge. Try to understand what the request is from the other person and what you can do, even the smallest thing for them. That is EMPATHY.
By going through these simple steps you will learn how to be more empathic and how to be more present for the people around you. Keep in mind, that also your needs are important and you need to effectively communicate them out. But that is maybe a talk for another time.
I wish you the best day and I hope that this technique will make your life more peaceful, and joyful and resolve some tension, that is no longer needed.
Take care.
Love & hugs,
ZlatkaK
